Well... since there's nothing else to do tonight rather than get high or drunk (welcome to St Cloud) and seeing as I'm interested in neither.. I thought I'd do a rant. Although, technically I believe that last post about Olive Garden was a rant. Well, here's another one.

Change. It happens whether we like it or not.

Love. It can come and go so quickly that you may not realize you had it until its gone.

Money. Nothing more than a piece of paper given an assigned monetary amount... yet it controls so many emotions of the typical human being.

These three words control my life. I'm a hopeless romantic. I have this fairy-tale ideal of what love is and should be, and yet what it never will have the potential to reach. I work to distract myself from reality. I escape from what I can't face by retreating into a world where there are no long-term relationships with anyone I wait on. I don't spend time wondering how they are or antagonizing over what they're doing after they leave. I don't wonder if they still love me, or if we ever had a chance, because they're only in my life for the blink of an eye. There's no possibility of getting hurt.

As for change? Things are changing everyday. With every hour that passes, I'm one step closer to figuring out who I am and where I'm going. I'm one day older. One day more experienced. One day smarter. Or maybe not, but I'd like to think so.

I used to have a journal in which I wrote very indepth, no lies, straight from the heart, hardcore truth about who I was and who I loved. What I felt each day, and what I wanted for the next went into that journal and it reminded me that no matter who the world thought or told me I was, this journal would represent the true me if I needed a reminder.

Back in August I asked him what he thought of us. I told him everything. I bore my heart on a simple sheet of tear-stained notebook paper at 3am in the morning, folded it neatly and stuck it in between his car door handle while he was working. I went inside to see him. I wanted to feel things out before leaving my heart and soul out in the open. I asked if he was happy with the way his life was going. He turned away, almost as if he was afraid to answer. I took that as a no, but I shouldn't have. I told him I wasn't either, and I asked him to call me after work.

We didn't talk until I was in North Carolina three weeks later. My first night back I burned the journal and everything it had reminded me I'd felt in the past three years. I wanted nothing to do with myself if this was where the truth got me.

Things don't always go the way you plan. Infact, they rarely do. Change has brought us back together in a friendship we claim can not be broken. A friendship that has stood the test of time and trials of fire. It's a continuous rollercoaster that we keep paying to ride...but the truth is that we're stuck and can't get out.

Now if only someone would hold my hand and see that if we ride together it isn't as scary.